please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
