There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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