I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
