i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
