I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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