Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
