my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
