Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
