R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
