he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
