why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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