She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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