There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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