I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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