everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I believe in your delicious
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
