Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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