I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
