My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
