I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
