he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
