If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
