This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
