Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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