i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
People in love make me want to vomit
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
