You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
