Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Blood and glitter go together right?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
