I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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