we're chasing vodka with high fives
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
