Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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