I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
