No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
