I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
