Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
