On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
