my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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