I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
