he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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