I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
