i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
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I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
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You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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