hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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