awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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