Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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