Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
