Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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