Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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