Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
