if i can run in heels then i can drive
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
