i think i have herpe
just one?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
