Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
