I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do vagina's smell?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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