proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
