Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
