Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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