That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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