Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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