Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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