ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
